New Country Thread

[bbqcook]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns !!!


Dear Bob:

I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.


I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad
passionate love to her.


I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.


I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.


Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila U.


Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

[Docs]

bbqcook
The wife rolled her eyes.
I laughed
Docs

[anne]

[Buster]

Here are 2 this time...Can't help myself...Buster....


I think we all know a "Mildred"......



Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but
feared her enough to maintain their silence.She made a mistake, however,
when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she
saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one
afternoon.
She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing
it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house... Walked home... And left it there all night.

You gotta love George.


And the second one.....

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizensubmitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was sofunny..... NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bxxxxx) SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least onewho will cooperate.) DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and wecan haggle. EDUCATION: Some LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to amore intimate environment . MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here wouldbe 'Do you have a car that runs?' HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already bea winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes! WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamaswith a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm thegreatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. CLOSEST RELATIVE ? 7 miles DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely. ***Old People Rock! **

[anne]

[Docs]

I just got this email, I thought it too funny not to share.
Docs


Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas . I attended one of these when I lived in San Antonio , and can attest to the validity of this account.

Note: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San AntonioCityPark . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from
all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.



CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[rlemp]

I can totally relate to Judge #3...I love chilli, but Those Texans ARE crazy!!!

I nearly wet myself...

[Bounty Hunter 40]

A young country bumkin is starting her first day of high scool. She is so excited and as she is leaving, her mama says, "watch out fer them horny high school boys. They will try to look under your dress to see your underwears. Okay mama she yells and runs off to scool. She returns home and is so excited to show her mama that she made fifty cents at lunch. Were did ya get that money? Oh easy mama the boys at scool payed me the the money to clime the flag pole at scool. Oh baby, you know they were jest tryin to see you underwears, I warned you about that this mornig.....Oh mama, I relly fooled them...I took my underwears off before I climed the flagpole

[anne]

Three men awaited execution by Firing Squad in the condemned cell,from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.
The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles,he suddenly shouted "AVALANCHE" at the top of his voice.
The soldierslooked aboutin alarm,threw down their rifles and turnedto run.
Taking advantage of the momentary chaos,the Englishman scampered away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.
The second condemned man,a Scott, seeing the success of this ploy,when his turn came shouted "FLOOD" with exactly the same highly successful effect, and ran off.
The third man. an Irishman,impressed by the initiative of his collegues, determined to follow suit.
As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, at the top of his voice,he shouted "FIRE"

[EPC Guy]

Originally Posted by rlemp

I can totally relate to Judge #3...I love chilli, but Those Texans ARE crazy!!!

I nearly wet myself...

I prefer to think that us Texans just have a zest for life! BTW - the chili that I plan to cook at the TQ hunt will NOT cause internal bleeding, siezures, blindness, projectile lava production or any other unpleasant side effect...HOWEVER, the use of cold beer as a side dish will be encouraged!