New Country Thread

[EBCIII]

Made me chuckle a bunch! Some of the old stuff was so funny because it was not scripted, Beale.

[Buster]

Here's one about my friend Mike......Buster.....

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[anne]

Great Buster

[bdahunter]

Only You, Mate! Always a Good One!

Cheers,

BDA

[MinelabMan]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a liar ... He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Navy!'

[anne]

Very good

[EPC Guy]

Three good Irish lads (Michael, Sean and Patrick) were discussing Patrick's upcoming move to America. Both Michael and Sean were sad to be losing their youngest brother and said: "When your in America and havin' a pint - make sure you have a drink for us - so's you'll never forget us."

Patrick solemnly promised to do just that - and once in America made good on that promise. On the first day in his new country he stopped at Flannigan's Pub and said: "Three pints of Guiness, please."

The bartender looked at Patrick strangely, but brought the three glasses of beer. After about an hour, Patrick ordered 3 more pints and an hour later ordered three more. Finally, the bartender asked: "Why are ya orderin' yer stout three pints at a time?" Patrick explained that he was keeping his promise to always have a drink for his brothers who he'd not likely see again. This touched the old bartender and he and Patrick became good friends.

Every day after work the same routine would occur...until finally after about a year, Patrick came into the bar and said: "Seamus - TWO pints of Guiness, please."

"Saints preserve us", said Seamus with a shocked expression. "Did one of yer beloved brothers pass away?"

"No - nothin' like that my old friend", replied Patrick. "It's Lent as ya know - and I've given up beer for the next 40 days!"

[anne]

[EPC Guy]

A young Blonde woman was driving through the Florida
Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the
worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices
the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one
of the shopkeepers,
the young Blonde declared, "Well then, I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for
free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady,
why don't you go on
and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp,
determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he
spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in
hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9 foot
gator swimming rapidly toward her! With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent
amazement! The Blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the
gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
"CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Buster]

Good one Shawn.....Buster....