New Country Thread

[homefire]

You don't want to learn them! No Good Joo Joo!

Best to know what yea be knowin and be happy.

[Digging Fool]

Jethro had never seen the ocean before, and lived way up in the mountains. He never had any cultural exposure. He went to the beach one day, and couldn't believe all the beautiful bikini-wearing beach babes. None of these girls would give Jethro the time of day. So Jethro saw a beach bum with girls all around him. He asked the bum what his secret was. "How do you get all of these girls?", he asked. "They won't even speak to me". The bum told Jethro to go get a large potato and put it in his shorts, so it would look like he was "endowed". Off Jethro went to the store for a tater. About an hour later, the beach bum hears laughter getting closer and closer, and sees girls pointing at Jethro and laughing. Jethro angrily approaches beach bum and says "what kind of joke did you play on me?---everybody's laughing at me" The bum looked at Jethro and said "you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your shorts"

[jerryg]

I was born in Ohio and raised in California and scored an 85. Wife born at Ft. Benning Ga. and raised in NC and scored a 70. Go figger

[Digging Fool]

Originally Posted by jerryg

I was born in Ohio and raised in California and scored an 85. Wife born at Ft. Benning Ga. and raised in NC and scored a 70. Go figger

Sounds like she's a little better at golf than you are

[Buster]

I found this Redneck Love Poem ...Thought it was fitting to put it here...........Buster...


Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

[Buster]

Another One...This thread will not quit...Buster...

The Texan....
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm
too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want
my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane
who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone
stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man
from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to
walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No
one moved. He removed his shirt.Muscles rippled across his chest. She
gasped...

Then, he spoke...

"Iron this -- then get me a
beer."

[BukkDigger]

Captain Bartholomew Roberts was taking on extra crew for a voyage to West Africa. He liked to recruit personally and was sat at a small desk on the quayside at Port Royal, Jamaica. He was questioning a fifty-year old sea cook who had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook at the end of his left arm.
“So how did you lose your leg?” he asked the old salt. “We was sailin’ round the Horn in a great swell and I fell overboard. A shark ‘ad me leg before me mates hauled me out of the water!”
“I see”, said Roberts, “and what about your hand?” he pointed to the hook. “”We was attackin’ a merchantman – pistols a-blazin’, swords a-swingin’ and blow me if one of me own didn’t cut me ‘and off by accident!”
“Well that was unfortunate. Tell me how did you manage to lose an eye?” asked an amused Roberts. “It was a seagull droppin’ that caused that sir”, said the sailor, almost apologetically. “A seagull dropping caused you to lose an eye? That’s amazing!” said the captain.
“Aye, well it was me first day with the hook!” answered the unfortunate man.

[anne]

When you have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris.


Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number I found that I had transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.


When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I felt better. Then I wrote his number down with the word asshole' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic asshole calling would have to stop.


So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you are familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.



On a later day I was at the store waiting to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is."

I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see the car.

He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch house and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen."


I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" He said, "I'm home daily after 4:00."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"


Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.


Just before 5:00 when I had a really terrible day at work I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He screamed, "Stop calling me!"

I said, "Make me."

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax. In a yellow ranch house & I have a black Beamer for sale parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.


Then I called Asshole No. 2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole.”

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You'll what?"

He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax and that my gay lover was on his way over to kill me.


Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.


NOW I really feel much better.


Anger management works.

[portraitartist]

Not sure why I thought of this, but here goes:

"I Can Count the Ways I Love You on the Toes of Just One Hand"

[Buster]