New Country Thread

[Buster]

Here's one more...Buster.....

Getting Old....... . .
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.
" WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Helen," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?


Oh No!!! Helen exclaims. "He's using the refrigerator as the bathroom again!

[EBCIII]

Originally Posted by Buster

Here's one more...Buster.....

Getting Old....... . .
An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes off.
" WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Helen," he says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?


Oh No!!! Helen exclaims. "He's using the refrigerator as the bathroom again!

, that one I really like, Beale.

[Dixieldy]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only twoprecious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."



A Prayer......



Dear Lord,


I pray for Wisdom to understand my man,

love to forgive him, and patience for his moods;

because Lord, if I pray for strength,

I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet!!

[Buster]

Saw this one to add also. More Darwin awards....Buster......



Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine & submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine & he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop & offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the Staff that the patients were very excitable & prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, & asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun & asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk & fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you & gives you money, is a crime committed?)

6 . Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, & run. So he lifted th e cinderblock & heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back & hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

7 . As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse & ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, & the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the purse snatcher, they put him in the car & drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car & told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

8. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m. , flashed a gun, & demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

9. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline & plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[pris]

Eeeeew! that's pretty darn bad. I bet he'll think twice before doing that again any time soon.

[EPC Guy]

Originally Posted by pris

Eeeeew! that's pretty darn bad. I bet he'll think twice before doing that again any time soon.

...or at least smell the tank before he starts to siphon!!

[EPC Guy]

TOUCHING STORY OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the
stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally
hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven, or was
it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that
he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[Buster]

That's so bad, I could see that happening for sure.....Buster......

[Buster]

Got another one for the dog people out there....Buster....

In Arkansas , a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do none of that

[CanUDigIt]

Two guys were counterfeiting and accidentally ended up printing $18 bills. One says to the other "Why don't we pawn them off on the mountain folk. They decide to drive to the mountains and come to a roadside vegtable stand. "Hey, would you happen to have change for an $18 bill?" one asked. "Sure", said the mountain man, "would you like two nines or three sixes.